"Daddy! J.J's trying to poison me!!"

Comment to be added; I'll probably be glad to add you back :)

I ramble a lot, I have a ridiculous amount of family drama and love rubbish to rant on about, and I DO like a good rant.

So yer forewarned ;)

Arrrrrghhhhhhh what the HELL is wrong with Facebook?! Stupid internet!!!

I seem to have an intense stabbing pain on my stomach, which is relieved when I stop breathing. Now just have to stop breathing...

So today I woke up to Paul hitting the shit out of the laptop. Seen him punch or hit it before, but this woke me up it was so loud. From downstairs. Was lyin for aaages half asleep tryin to figure out what he was doing until it dawned on me it was the laptop.

Got downstairs to find that there was like ten keys ripped or punched off of it. Put em back on, thinkin THAT was bad enough damage only to switch it on and see the screen smashed to fuck in all different colours and breaks, like when you break a calculator screen.

The internet aspect of it is annoying but least of why I'm pissed off.

Donna & Charles left us their wee tiny 'Eee PC' laptop, annoyin fuckin thing haha the keys are like 1cm each but better than nowt.

I'm annoyed because thanks to his fucking temper, I've lost all my writing. All my photos. All my videos from Nana's 90th, all my photos of Gran I had edited to put in my frame with her funeral flowers.

I've lost so much I can't replace, fuck him. I don't think he even realises. But if he asks me wtf I'm sulking for etc, I'm going to tell him all of the above.

I'm sick of him lately, as guilty as I feel and want to protect him he's my wee brother and he clearly needs help but I need to look after myself first, right?

Someone else needs to step up for a change and take all this. I'm not blamin anyone or gettin at anyone in particular, wouldn't do that, we all have our problems and all do more than our fair share.

I just want someone to help me help him. I don't know what to do.

I fuckin resent him so much right now.

Becky wants to come to the funeral. I don't know what the fuck to do.

Plus I spoke to Mum last night and said about Becky, and she said she absolutely didn't want her anywhere near her, and no one else wants her there either. I certainly don't and I'm the one on best terms with her.

There's no question of her being 'allowed' to attend the funeral, and nothing will ever be resolved. Of all the things she's done she has never apologised for, expressed any sort of remorse, or thought she was in the wrong. Of which there are countless examples.

One thing she did (Probably the worst) was when I was around 13 or 14 I think. Mum at the time was suffering from M.E, very bad bout of depression, and anorexia. Becky decided to choose this time to send her a detailed letter telling her how she disliked her and the reasons why, all the things she did that were wrong in Becky's childhood (in her mind), and giving detailed ways in which she was a bad mother. Mum had a breakdown instantly after reading the letter, as it was extremely out of the blue and whilst we were still all on good terms. She had to be hospitalised that day and was in for several months. Becky didn't say anything about it for years, never got back in touch (and when she did she never apologised or acknowledged it) and just left us all to deal with it.

(I came home from school that day and Mum was sitting on the couch with a dishtowel around her arm, drenched in blood where she just blanked out and went at it with a razor)
I've since told Becky all that caused and she has never expressed sympathy toward us who were just children at the time and had to deal with seeing Mum in that state, or regret about doing it.

There's absolutely no way in which I or anyone else wants Becky there as that's just a tiny snippet insight to all she has done to us.

Asked my big sis Donna about it last night asking what I should do if the situation did arise, she just said it'll sort itself out. But it won't lol, I either have to tell her somehow or she'll turn up and that's just not an option for any of us. My family are amazing but when it comes to actual dealing with stuff it seems to all be left to me!

I wasn't gonna tell Donna as she's always been very close to Gran and since she found out she died she's been so so sick, fainting and everything she's just utterly devastated but arg, had no idea what the fuck to do... any advice would be genius.


Edit - have asked Donna again for some advice, and emailed my Auntie Anne for some older-wiser family member advice. Here's hoping, can't believe I have to fucking do this.
I don't expect Mum or anything to, jesus there's enough going on poor soul, but some help would be nice. I know I'm the only one who really speaks to her much and I'm on the best terms with her (still not good but meh) but god I don't want to tell my sibling she can't fucking come to her Gran's funeral.

It would just be so false if she did.

So. Dude I went on a date with.

I texted him last night saying Nana's birthday was fab and stuff and asked how he was.
He replied simply: "I love you Caragh Murphy." I replied something nice but jokey and panicky cos obviously I'm thinking, what the FUCK. No you don't, clearly.

This was our facebook conversation about an hour ago:

Him:
see iff you liked someone else btw, you could have just told me ok

Moi:
eh? What made you think that? I'm well confused...wtf.

Him:
Have a think about it then get back to me, good i spotted it before i was gona ask you out.

(At this point I'm thinking, patronising little fucker.)

Moi:
I literally haven't the faintest idea what you're on about.
If you wanna tell me what I'm meant to have done, please do - I've got more important things to worry about than mind games.
And if you 'spotted' it I assume you saw it on here or something, which means I'm not hiding anything. Well it does to me obviously you don't have to believe me cos you already think I do apparently.

Him:
Goodnight Caragh, dont worry, you probably wont here from me again

Moi:
well if you're just going to go off without explaining anything to me whatsoever, then fine. Bye. And I hope you find whatever you're looking for.

Him:
Thank you Im sure I will because I dont think I will find it with you, I sent you a txt last night when I was out and you threw it back in my face, the whole night I was telling my pals about you and they said I should txt you and tell you how i felt, so I txt you and you just threw it back in my face.

Moi:
I didn't throw it in your face I replied in the manner I assumed it was intended, as we haven't been speaking long and only met once.
It didn't cross my mind you were serious. I apologise for hurting your feelings however. That at least wasn't intentional. Having said that I didn't think you meant it because we don't know each other well - I would have said well yet but that isn't going to happen now.

Him:
I know we only met once and believe me this has happend to me before, when we were in george square laughing, i was genuinly happy with you, I didnt feel that happy with a girl in ages. ach nvm now. c ya

Moi:
So was I, and I was looking forward to meeting you again - all that takes time.
And although now I know you meant it, you freaked me out. I've had it happen before MANY times and believe it or not I've even had a bit of a stalker lmao.
Anyway I'm gonna go and I wish you all the best - even though you aren't gracious or mature enough to wish me the same despite the fact that you "love" me!
Obv if you didn't think of it already feel free to delete me and all that, don't want any more childish drama here.







Aaaaaaaah I knew there was a reason this younger "MAN" thing didn't seem right.

BOYS!

So pissed off it isn't even funny.

Well it is in that if you don't laugh you'll cry way. And I've cried tooooooo much. I'm gonna end up doing this in bullet-point format.

1. Holly is currently crying in my face.

2. Can't be arsed doing anything.

3. Have been off my meds for a month now, and swiftly realising WHY I was on them in the first place. I can't stand all those people who bug me about it saying I shouldn't be taking them cos let me tell em something - I've been med-free the majority of my life, and suffered depression extremely regularly and consistently since I was around 10-12 years old. I KNOW how to live without medication. I just don't see why I fucking should. When I am on the right meds, I'm fine and back to my normal self. I love life, love going out, and I am ME again. Off the meds I can function just about, I can pretend, I can hide it to an extent, but I'm sick of not being happy just because some idiot has a problem with me taking medication. They can deal with it or they can fuck OFF out of my life because I'm going back on it, as even my migraines and insomnia have returned since I came off of it.

4. Gran is on her way out, literally. She stopped eating around a week ago, is down to 6 stone and stuff, and just sits and cries all day. Which is fun to hear about :|

5. Nana's party has just become totally fucking drama-infested! Marie & I decided to make it a meal at the Busby Hotel to save her having a load of people in the house and she didn't want it anymore cos her son Tommy couldn't make it (the one who had the brain bleeds) so that was that. Marie sent out invitations etc etc, lot of people couldn't make it due to it being £18 a head per meal, and on top of that drinks etc. Suggested we change plans so everyone could be included, Marie didn't wanna cos it was organised and stuff but they can't afford it, I can't afford it, my brother & sister can't afford it, and my parents can barely afford it. SOOOO I suggested she make it purely a Charnley thing, cos they can all afford it and no one would feel bad about not having enough money etc and that would be that, and I'd do a buffet the next day for those who couldn't go to the meal.
No go again, so I resolved to have nothin more to do with it cos I was happy to go along with whatever but the thing pissing me off was that Mum & Dad were both telling me Nana wanted different things. And every day it would change from she DOES wanna go, then she DOESN'T.
I ask Nana outright the other night, turns out she doesn't wanna go for many reasons. The cold, being uncomfortable with everyone paying for her, and she doesn't wanna go out at night, and wants it in the house where she can just chuck everyone out and go to bed when she likes lmao. She just didn't want to appear ungrateful.
So I say OK - don't worry, it'll be sorted. However, I can't and won't sort it, I'll have to leave it to Mum & Dad because I'm taking nothing to do with the cancellation of the hotel. I think it's just provisionally booked anyway just now. Particularly because all the Charnley's are currently on holiday in Barcelona and I don't wanna bug Marie with this, but I don't wanna cancel without her opinion etc either. So I'm doing neither. Mum & Dad or whoever can do what they like with it.
It's fucking shite.

6. People ignoring me more and more on facebook cos of my 'obsessions'. This one really fucking annoys me because it only seems to be happening more and more these days, maybe it's cos I'm 'too old' for them or to still be fangirling.
I have literally ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY and don't see why the fuck I should have to tone down my personality and my interests just cos people think I'm being annoying or immature etc. To those people - FUCKING DELETE ME THEN. Yes, even family, if it pisses you off that much then ignore it or delete me. Don't comment sarcastically about it or act surprised because this is me, and that's just that. I refuse to change or act differently depending on who I am around or not say what's on my mind or what I wanna say just incase someone laughs or comments derisively.

7. Donna is being really weird and secretive and won't talk to me anymore in terms of telling me what the fuck's going on. She's been out with these two friends of hers over there and they've all been taking coke sometimes when they go out. She's still without her two dogs, and Charles is acting fucking horrible telling her what she can and can't do and I just wanna scream at him come over here when you've finished work and pick up your fucking dogs because it's YOUR fault they're stuck over here in the first place with your plan to move back and then decide to live in Spain for "another year" thus leaving the dogs stuck and isolated along with your wife when you go back to work on the rigs. I'm gonna break my heart when Holly leaves but if I was capable I'd have driven her over myself fucking soon as she recovered from her operation. Selfish bastard.

8. Nana is apparently on her way out as well, Mum decided to tell me the other night. She used to work in a geriatric ward, and they'd know when someone didn't have long because their feet and legs start to go blue-ish. Nana's like that now. Fun fuckin times lmao.
I think she knows, too, cos she's acted weird and extra affectionate the last few days I've seen her. She hasn't wanted me to leave, so invariably I've walked home crying. She keeps saying how brilliant I am lol. And I said her buffet in the house should be around 1pm-6pm so that all the tons of people who wanna come can just come and go, and it won't get too filled etc. She said aye but you'll get those people who'll wanna hang aboot all day! And I was like eh I'M gonna be there all day missus!! And she went "Uch but you're different!!"

9. Not been doing the whole POF / OkCupid thingy lately. Sick of having to pretend to be normal and drama-free when at the minute I'm quite the opposite. I don't wanna have to 'induct' someone into all this shittyness going on, and those I did / do like never got back to me or it faded out etc anyway so it just seems really fucking pointless and logic points towards me being alone by choice in life in general, because to be honest being terribly lonely and lovesick and disgustingly emo at the moment, I can't be fucked dealing with someone else on top of that.

10. I am not suicidal, only approached it a few times never dreamed of actually DOING it lol but it was horrible nonetheless. Anyway the other night I dreamed I took an overdose and I woke up rather disappointed. Worrying, but don't panic I won't lol. And don't have any pills just now anyway cos I was a retard and stopped taking em.

11. Carolanne emailed me today oddly just as I'd came online to message her as I hadn't spoken to her in two days, and she said she realised we haven't seen each other in four months. It fucking sucks. And it's been just cos of random crappy reasons with the both of us and stuff going on etc, I miss her. Tis horrible lol.


Soooooooo to sum up, FUCK. IT. ALL.

Corey Haim died :(

Hola all, explaining my latest quietness, cos I am on holiday in Spain visiting my big sis her hubby and the puppies!

I have been reading flist updates but lazy on commenting or even posting cos I am on this tiny laptop thing called "EeeＰＣ”　ｔｈａｔ　Ｃｈａｒｌｅｓ　ｇｏｔ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｈｉｓ　ｗｏｒｋｋ　ｂｏｎｕｓ　ａｎｄ　ｉｔ’ｓ　ｔｈｅ　ｍｏｓｔ　ａｎｎｏｙｉｎｇ　ｔｈｉｎｇ　ｔｏ　ｂｅ　ｏｎ　ｃｏｓ　ｉｔ’ｓ　ｌｉｋｅ　ｈａｌｆ　ｔｈｅ　ｓｉｚｅ　ｏｆ　ａ　ｌａｐｔｏｐ　ａｎｄ　ｔｈｅ　ｋｅｙｓ　ａｒｅ　ｌｉｋｅ　ｏｎｌｙ　１ｃｍ　ｅａｃｈ　ａｎｄ　ｉｔ’ｓ　ａｎｎｏｙｉｎｇ．　Ｌｏｌ
Ｄｕｎｎｏ　ｗｈａｔ　Ｉｖｅ　ｄｏｎｅ　ｔｏ　ｔｈｅ　ｔｅｘｔ　ｆｏｒｍａｔ　ｉｎｃｉｄｅｎｔｌｙ　ｏｒ　ｈｏｗ　ｔｏ　ｆｉｘ　ｉｔ　ａｎｄ　ｗｈｙ　ｆｕｌｌ　ｓｔｏｐｓ　ｈａｖｅ　ｂｕｇｇｅｒｅｄ　ｏｆｆ　ｓｏ　ｅｘｃｕｓｅ　ｔｈｉｓ　ａｐｐａｌｌｉｎｇ　ｐｏｓｔ！

Ｈａｖｅ　ｂｅｅｎ　ｔｏｔａｌｌｙ　ｃｈａｉｎ　ｓｍｏｋｉｎｇ　ｔｏｄａｙ　ＬＯＬ　ｕｓｕａｌｌｙ　Ｉ　ｄｏｎｔ　ｌｉｋｅ　ｓｍｏｋｉｎｇ　ｗｈｅｎ　ｉｔｓ　ａｌｌ　ｈｏｔ　ｏｕｔｓｉｄｅ　ｂｕｔ　ｉｖｅ　ｂｅｅｎ　ｒｅａｄｉｎｇ　”Ａｎｇｅｌｓ　Ｉｎ　Ｍｙ　Ｈａｉｒ”which Carolanne lent me and I recommnend to everyone who believes in such things, or even if you want to.

Flight was　ＥPIC I loved it, and saw lots of lightening during the descent it was amazing, I didnt even panic during turbulance like I always do. (I end up with my nails stuck in the feckin armrest lmao)

ANYHOO Carolanne I will rply to your mail later on othr pc hahaha byeeee

So at 3pm I watched the A-Team on Bravo.

It was the one where Murdock and B.A made A CAR OUT OF STICKS, A SAIL, AND SEATBELTS AND STUFF.

And then I flicked over to Virgin1 and watched Star Trek the Next Generation... AND IT HAD MURDOCK IN IT *FLAILS*

He played a very shy awkward officer who was obsessed with the holodeck.

MOST AWESOME AND ADORABLE THING EVER.


OH AND PICARD, DATA AND GEORDI WERE LIKE THE THREE MUSKETEERS WITH GIANT FEATHERED HATS, SWORD DUELS, AND GIANT MOUSTACHES.

BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

GAH I LOVE MURDOCK SO SO MUCH.


Edit - FUCK, my A-Team & X-files DVDs are all still at the flat... crap.

So with Mum not being well, I ordered a bunch of stuff online for me & Lisa's xmas.

Lots of stuff has came, but right now just came (and I am still holding it to me)




squeeeeeeeeeellllll.

It's so beauuuuuuuutiful.