So pissed off it isn't even funny.
Well it is in that if you don't laugh you'll cry way. And I've cried tooooooo much. I'm gonna end up doing this in bullet-point format.
1. Holly is currently crying in my face.
2. Can't be arsed doing anything.
3. Have been off my meds for a month now, and swiftly realising WHY I was on them in the first place. I can't stand all those people who bug me about it saying I shouldn't be taking them cos let me tell em something - I've been med-free the majority of my life, and suffered depression extremely regularly and consistently since I was around 10-12 years old. I KNOW how to live without medication. I just don't see why I fucking should. When I am on the right meds, I'm fine and back to my normal self. I love life, love going out, and I am ME again. Off the meds I can function just about, I can pretend, I can hide it to an extent, but I'm sick of not being happy just because some idiot has a problem with me taking medication. They can deal with it or they can fuck OFF out of my life because I'm going back on it, as even my migraines and insomnia have returned since I came off of it.
4. Gran is on her way out, literally. She stopped eating around a week ago, is down to 6 stone and stuff, and just sits and cries all day. Which is fun to hear about :|
5. Nana's party has just become totally fucking drama-infested! Marie & I decided to make it a meal at the Busby Hotel to save her having a load of people in the house and she didn't want it anymore cos her son Tommy couldn't make it (the one who had the brain bleeds) so that was that. Marie sent out invitations etc etc, lot of people couldn't make it due to it being £18 a head per meal, and on top of that drinks etc. Suggested we change plans so everyone could be included, Marie didn't wanna cos it was organised and stuff but they can't afford it, I can't afford it, my brother & sister can't afford it, and my parents can barely afford it. SOOOO I suggested she make it purely a Charnley thing, cos they can all afford it and no one would feel bad about not having enough money etc and that would be that, and I'd do a buffet the next day for those who couldn't go to the meal.
No go again, so I resolved to have nothin more to do with it cos I was happy to go along with whatever but the thing pissing me off was that Mum & Dad were both telling me Nana wanted different things. And every day it would change from she DOES wanna go, then she DOESN'T.
I ask Nana outright the other night, turns out she doesn't wanna go for many reasons. The cold, being uncomfortable with everyone paying for her, and she doesn't wanna go out at night, and wants it in the house where she can just chuck everyone out and go to bed when she likes lmao. She just didn't want to appear ungrateful.
So I say OK - don't worry, it'll be sorted. However, I can't and won't sort it, I'll have to leave it to Mum & Dad because I'm taking nothing to do with the cancellation of the hotel. I think it's just provisionally booked anyway just now. Particularly because all the Charnley's are currently on holiday in Barcelona and I don't wanna bug Marie with this, but I don't wanna cancel without her opinion etc either. So I'm doing neither. Mum & Dad or whoever can do what they like with it.
It's fucking shite.
6. People ignoring me more and more on facebook cos of my 'obsessions'. This one really fucking annoys me because it only seems to be happening more and more these days, maybe it's cos I'm 'too old' for them or to still be fangirling.
I have literally ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY and don't see why the fuck I should have to tone down my personality and my interests just cos people think I'm being annoying or immature etc. To those people - FUCKING DELETE ME THEN. Yes, even family, if it pisses you off that much then ignore it or delete me. Don't comment sarcastically about it or act surprised because this is me, and that's just that. I refuse to change or act differently depending on who I am around or not say what's on my mind or what I wanna say just incase someone laughs or comments derisively.
7. Donna is being really weird and secretive and won't talk to me anymore in terms of telling me what the fuck's going on. She's been out with these two friends of hers over there and they've all been taking coke sometimes when they go out. She's still without her two dogs, and Charles is acting fucking horrible telling her what she can and can't do and I just wanna scream at him come over here when you've finished work and pick up your fucking dogs because it's YOUR fault they're stuck over here in the first place with your plan to move back and then decide to live in Spain for "another year" thus leaving the dogs stuck and isolated along with your wife when you go back to work on the rigs. I'm gonna break my heart when Holly leaves but if I was capable I'd have driven her over myself fucking soon as she recovered from her operation. Selfish bastard.
8. Nana is apparently on her way out as well, Mum decided to tell me the other night. She used to work in a geriatric ward, and they'd know when someone didn't have long because their feet and legs start to go blue-ish. Nana's like that now. Fun fuckin times lmao.
I think she knows, too, cos she's acted weird and extra affectionate the last few days I've seen her. She hasn't wanted me to leave, so invariably I've walked home crying. She keeps saying how brilliant I am lol. And I said her buffet in the house should be around 1pm-6pm so that all the tons of people who wanna come can just come and go, and it won't get too filled etc. She said aye but you'll get those people who'll wanna hang aboot all day! And I was like eh I'M gonna be there all day missus!! And she went "Uch but you're different!!"
9. Not been doing the whole POF / OkCupid thingy lately. Sick of having to pretend to be normal and drama-free when at the minute I'm quite the opposite. I don't wanna have to 'induct' someone into all this shittyness going on, and those I did / do like never got back to me or it faded out etc anyway so it just seems really fucking pointless and logic points towards me being alone by choice in life in general, because to be honest being terribly lonely and lovesick and disgustingly emo at the moment, I can't be fucked dealing with someone else on top of that.
10. I am not suicidal, only approached it a few times never dreamed of actually DOING it lol but it was horrible nonetheless. Anyway the other night I dreamed I took an overdose and I woke up rather disappointed. Worrying, but don't panic I won't lol. And don't have any pills just now anyway cos I was a retard and stopped taking em.
11. Carolanne emailed me today oddly just as I'd came online to message her as I hadn't spoken to her in two days, and she said she realised we haven't seen each other in four months. It fucking sucks. And it's been just cos of random crappy reasons with the both of us and stuff going on etc, I miss her. Tis horrible lol.
Soooooooo to sum up, FUCK. IT. ALL.